ASCENT JEWISH JOKES ARCHIVE
-- 5770-71
7/18/11
"Love Your Fellow
Jew..and His Children!"
The story is told of a well-known
Jewish educator of young children who spent many hours constructing a new driveway
at his home. Just after he smoothed the surface of the freshly poured concrete,
his small children chased each other across the driveway, leaving deep footprints.
Upset and frustrated, the man yelled after them with a torrent of angry words.
His shocked wife, their
mother, said, "You are a famous educator. You are supposed to love children."
The fuming man shouted, "I love children in the abstract, not in the concrete!"
6/13/11
Chassidic Chess Techniques
I made aliyah and came
to Jerusalem, hoping to find a good chess game with one of the religious Jews.
All those hours of Talmud must prepare them well for the intricacies of chess
logic.
First I went up to a Gur
chasid and invited him. "Sure," he said, "but we have to remove
the Queens from the board." "What!" I exclaimed. "Why
should we do that?" His reply was, "Not allowed to have females together
with males."
So the next day I turned to a Chabadnik. He was quite willing, but he told me
that I am not allowed to checkmate him, because his King never dies.
Next I tried a Breslaver.
He wanted to play too. But he told me, "according to our rules, Pawns
also have to be able to jump."
I decided to give up on
the Chasidim. I approached one of the graduates of the central Rav Kook yeshiva,
a settler type with a large white knitted kippah. "Let's start!"
he exclaimed. "But remember, you can never capture and remove from one
of us a hilltop!"
(For this last one you need a bit of Hebrew: what in English is called Rook
or Castle, in Israeli is called a tzariach--a hilltop!)
I give up. I'm going back
to Moscow where at least I can get a normal game.
5/16/11
Happy
Birthday
The state of Israel turned
63 last week.
That means: it won't be
long before it moves to Florida!
(shana makom shana mazal?)
4/11/11
(go to Jokes
- Holidays)
3/8/11
Taking Good Care of Your
Mitzvah Paraphenalia
A. The Correct Way to
Attach Mezuzot
A wealthy Jew buys a fabulous
home with over 50 rooms. He brings in a local yokel workman to decorate the
place. When the job is finished the Jewish guy is delighted, but he realizes
that he needs to put mezuzot on all the doors, and he could use
some help with that daunting task. He goes out and buys 50 mezuzot, has them
enclosed in cases, and asks the decorator to place them on the right hand side
of each door ,except the bathrooms and closets. He demonstrates in one door
frame exactly how to position them, and then hurries back to the office.
He worried that the provincial
decorator will underestimate their importance and won't put them up correctly;
however, when he comes back a few hours later he sees that the job has been
carried out to his full satisfaction: each one at exactly the right height and
exactly the correct angle. He's so pleased that he gives the decorator a bonus.
As the decorator is walking
out of the door he says to the Jewish guy: "Glad you're happy with the
job, Mister. By the way, I took out all the guarantees that were in the little
boxes and left them on the table for you."
B. Special Tallit Treatment
Menashe needs his tallit
dry-cleaned. He brings it to the dry-cleaner in town with the best reputation,
Ho Fu Wung Cleaners. They tell him to return in three days.
"Take special care
with it," he tells them.
When he comes to pick it
up, they give him the bill, which says $45.00.
"Forty-five dollars!"
Menashe reads, astonished.
"You told us 'special
treatment, remember?"
"But forty-five dollars
to clean one garment?" exclaims Menashe.
"No, no!" replies
the man behind the counter. "Five dollars to clean the tunic; forty bucks
to unravel all those knots!"
2/14/11
The
Four Silverberg Brothers
Four Jewish brothers left
home for college, and eventually, they became successful doctors and lawyers
and mogols, and so they prospered.
Some years later, they chatted
after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they had been able
to give to their elderly mother, who lived far away in another city.
The first said, I
had a big house built for Mama.
The second said, I
had the most up to date, expensive multi-media theatre built in the house.
The third said, I
had my Mercedes dealer deliver her a SL 600 with a chauffeur.
The fourth said, Listen
to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Torah and you know she can't anymore
because she can't see very well. I met this Rabbi who told me about a parrot
that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him.
I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the temple,
but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot
will recite it.
Needless to say, the other
brothers were impressed. They granted that his gift was indeed the most creative
and impressive
After the holidays Mama
sent out her Thank You notes.
Milton Bubbeleh,
the gorgeous house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I still
have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.
Marvin Mine Shayne
Kindeleh. I am too old to travel. I stay home. I have my groceries delivered,
so I never use the Mercedes, and the driver you hired is a Nazi. The thought
was good though. Thanks.
Myron Tataleh,
you give me such a fancy theatre with 3-D sound.And it can seat 50 people! But
all my friends are dead, Ive lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I never
use it. But thank you for the gesture just the same.
Dearest Melvin Kleneler
- My youngest but brightest. You were the only son to have the good sense to
give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious.
1/17/11
The
Four Goldstein Brothers
The four Goldstein brothers,
Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile
air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers walked
into Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that
four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry
since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their
car. There they persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees,
turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited
and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the
patent. The brothers said they would settle for $2 million, but only if they
could gain the recognition they wanted by having a label, 'The Goldstein Air-Conditioner,'
on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now there was no way that
old man Ford would put the name "Goldstein" on two million Fords.
The brothers were so picqued that they refused the $3 million offer. Then they
haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $3.75 million
and just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all
Ford air conditioners show 'Lo', 'Norm', 'Hi', and 'Max' on the
controls!
12/13/10
G-d Provides
A nice Jewish girl, brings home her fiancee to meet her parents. She is quite
nervous about it, and understandably so since her intended plans to learn in
Kollel (advanced yeshiva for married men) and her parents are not particularly
religious.
After dinner, her mother
tells her father to find out about the young man. He invites the fiancee to
his study for a talk.
"So, what are your
plans?" the father asks the fiancee.
"I am a Torah scholar,"
he replies.
"A Torah scholar,"
the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house
for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study,"
the young man replies, "...and G-d will provide for us."
"And how will you buy
her fine clothing and jewelry, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate
on my studies," the young man replies, "G-d will provide for us."
"And children?"
asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir,
G-d will provide," replies the fiancee.
The conversation proceeds
like this, and each time the father questions, the fiancee insists that G-d
will provide.
Later, the mother asks,
"So, nu? How did it go?"
The father answers, "He
has no job and no plans, but I like him; ...
...he thinks I'm G-d.
11/15/10
Torah vs. Your Cell Phone
Ever wonder what would happen
if we treated the Torah as we treat our cell phone?
--What if we carried It around in our purse or pocket every day?
--What if we looked through It many times each day?
--What if we turned back to go get It if we forgot It?
--What if we always checked It for messages?
--What if we treated It as if we couldn't manage a day without It?
--What if we gave It to our children as a special gift?
--What if we always took It, and used It, when we traveled?
--What if we always thought to use It in case of an emergency?
--Oh, and one more thing...
Unlike our cell phone, we don't have to worry about Torah being disconnected,
because Its Carrier never fails.
10/12/10
Better Than a Psychiatrist
Ever since I was a child,
I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. Last year, as an adult
when I finally could afford it, I went to consult a psychiatrist. I told him,
'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my
hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and
I'm confident we should be able to get rid of those fears.'
'How much do you charge?'
'One hundred twenty dollars
per visit.'
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
* * *
Six months later I saw the
doctor walking on the street, so I swerved over to park next to him and reminded
him who I was.
'Why didn't you come back
to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, 120 bucks a visit
three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money. So I decided to go consult
my Rebbe. I was a bit embarrassed to tell him about it, but I'm sure glad I
did. He cured me right away. I left a donation for $18. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!'
'Is that so!' he said, with
a bit of an attitude. 'And how, may I ask, did a rabbi cure you?'
'Simple. The Rebbe told
me to saw the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now for sure!'
9/21/10 "Sukkah
Court" (go to Jokes - Holidays)
8/17/10 Elul
Recall Notice (go to Jokes - Holidays)
7/27/10
A Single Phrase
A Talmudic scholar and an
astronomer were talking together one day. The astronomer, knowing that his field
is so much more complex, said that after reading widely in the field of religion,
he had concluded that all religion could be summed up in a single phrase.
"Do unto others as
you would have them do unto you," he said, with a bit of smugness
After a brief pause, the
Talmudic scholar replied that after reading widely in the area of astronomy
he had concluded that all of it could be summed up in a single phrase also.
"Oh, and what is that?"
the astronaut inquired.
"Twinkle, twinkle,
little star; how I wonder what you are!"
6/15/10
Get Well
A rabbi suffers a severe
flu attack and is confined to the hospital for several weeks.
The synagogue's president
pays him a visit. "I want you to know, Rabbi, that last night the board
of directors voted a resolution wishing you a speedy recovery. . .
...And it passed, thirteen
to eight."
5/18/10
One Small Detail
A shadchan (matchmaker)
corners a yeshiva bochur (rabbinical student) and says, "Gevalt,
have I a girl for you!".
"Not interested",
replies the boy.
"But she's beautiful!"
says the matchmaker
"Yeah?" he says
.
"Yes. And she's very
rich too."
"Really?"
"And she has great
yichus (ancestry)--from a very fine family!"
"Sounds great."
says the modest young man. "But why would a girl like that want to marry
me? . . . She'd have to be crazy."
Replies the shadchan: "So?
That's only a small detail; you can't expect everything!"
4/13/10
Holiday
Psychology (go to Jokes - Holidays)
3/23/10
One at Every Seder
(go to Jokes - Holidays)
2/23/10
Being Thankful
A Rabbi once asked a certain
rambunctious seven-year-old boy, "Do you say a prayer before going to sleep
each night?"
"No, Rabbi, I don't
have to.
"Is that so? Why not?"
"Because," the
boy explained with a smile, "My mother says it for me."
"Really? That's very
nice of her. What does she say?"
"Thank G-d he's in
bed!"
1/26/10
E-mail from G-d
G-d was not pleased with
mankind (again). So He decided to email the 5% that were good, because He wanted
to encourage them to continue in the righteous path and thus justify the Creation.
This would give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what that email
said?
You don't?
Well... I didn't get one
either.
P.S. OK, wise guys; I checked
my trash and junk and spam boxes, etc, and no, it is not there either.
12/30/09
Typical
Izzy entered the room all
agitated. "There is a new Nazi Party and their manifesto states they intend
to kill a million Jews and five Postmen."
"Why five postmen?"
somebody asked.
"How typical!"
cried Izzy in despair. "Nobody ever cares about the Jews."
11/25/09
Released from
Prison (go to
Jokes - Holidays)
10/20/09
Senior students
Is the reason that people
read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older because
they are cramming for their finals?
9/15/09
The Shofar
Key
A very cute and clever
one-minute video
The Backup
Shofar Blower
Another cute
and clever one-minute video
-- this one live, not staged.
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